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Saturday, January 12, 2013

We Gotta Get Outta Here!!!

In the middle of March, just as Pesach cleaning was getting underway, I started hearing mysterious, ominous scratching coming from the walls just behind my couch. It could only be one thing...


Or Minnie. Or their offspring.


My evenings became a nightmare. I would pound on the wall behind me to silence the mice. I was jumping out of my skin, terrified that any second I would see that disgusting creature flitting by silently like a shadow.

Our apartment had a vermin problem from day 1. We paid a lot of money every few years to mouseproof, only to have the mice show up somewhere else. We usually found the holes in the kitchen, behind the fridge. If you remember, we had a mouse sighting just four months earlier and we had spent money on an exterminator. So what on earth was going on?

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

What causes autism?

I have no idea.

Neither do any of the doctors, therapists, and professionals Dovi and I have seen over the years.
I will tell you his entire medical history though and wonder which of these things contributed.

1) Dovi is a result of assisted reproduction.

I will not reveal exactly what infertility treatment we did to conceive him. But for a long time I suspected that there is a connection between the two, because a shocking amount of my fellow IF survivors have children on the spectrum. None of the doctors I asked have been able to corroborate my theory. No link has been found between the two.

2) I had a TON of ultrasounds during the pregnancy.

Because of my preterm delivery with Chaim, I had an ultrasound every 2 weeks with Dovi, and used a home doppler several times a week for my own peace of mind. But again - no doctor has ever linked the two.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Stage 3: Bargaining... or Guilt

The 3rd stage of grief is officially "bargaining". I wasn't interested in doing any bargaining; I had done enough of that during my years of infertility. Instead I felt tremendous amount of guilt for not keeping my end of the bargains. It took a very long time to realize that I was not being punished by HaShem, and that Dovi's situation had been predetermined a long, long time ago.

Or so I still hope. You never know.

Like many mothers of newly diagnosed autistic children, I was filled with guilt and was absolutely convinced it was all my fault.

Before I had children, my nights were long and lonely. I was addicted to the computer; I barely moved from the minute I came home from work til I fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning. I became hooked on a certain comedy show which had elements of infertility in it.  I made a 'bargain' - a deal - with HaShem - that once I became a mother I would no longer go online.

But as all you computer addicts know, it's much easier said than done. You can't just go offline like that. My entire life was on the computer. My friends were all on the computer. It was my whole identity. There was just no shutting it off.

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