The Song that Changed Everything

The second stage of the grieving process is the Anger stage. Once Denial/Disbelief dissipated and reality sank in, I was filled with a combination of Anger, Depression, and Guilt. I find that the Five Stages of Grief don't always go in 'order'; Sure, first is the denial and disbelief. But you don't necessarily have anger next, then depression, then bargaining. I had a mixture of all three at once. But in my case there was no bargaining. I had done enough of that the first 9 years of my marriage. And I wasn't filled with vitriolic anger; as Jews we know that everything is ordained straight from HaShem. Yet, it's hard to swallow and it hurts. Badly.

My version of Anger was a simple, anguished sentence: WHY ME???? 

Those of you know me and my background story know what I went through those first 9 years. Those of you who don't, well, I'll clue you in. I didn't have children for 9 long years. I struggled with infertility, and it wasn't pretty. I had my share of ups and downs, grieving and loss and anger and all that. Then, finally, when Chaim was born, I still didn't feel whole. He was a preemie and I had to struggle through the whole preemie and therapy business. He was born by emergency c-section and never learned how to nurse. When he was 2 years old, we embarked on the infertility roller coaster once again, expecting it to take many years, and were shocked when our first round of treatment we got a positive result. Dovi  was born the summer right before Chaim turned 3, and I viewed this as my chance to really experience motherhood the way it should be. He was full term, nursed like a champ, and I had a normal, non c-section delivery. Life was finally "normal" and good!